A Tisket, A Tasket
by Eric Jablow
Summary: In the future, the people of Sunnydale find a logical solution to their greatest problem.


I wrote this story after I thought of an aspect of the BtVS S6  
premiere that I found somewhat unfortunate; consider my use of  
the word lighting below. In any case, this story is copyright  
2001 by Eric Jablow, but the setting of Sunnydale, CA, and all  
other aspects of the television show, Buffy the Vampire Slayer,  
are the possessions of Joss Whedon, Kuzui Films, Fox Television,  
UPN, and Sandollar Entertainment. No infringement is  
intended. Please don't sue.  
  
"Ah, come in, come in. Please sit down. Welcome to  
the Special Services department of the Levenson Funeral  
Home. We here take great pride in our ability to ensure  
that your loved ones' eternal rest is as peaceful as it  
should be.  
  
"I understand that you are here only to plan for the  
future, that you are not in immediate need of our services.  
We understand; it is always best to be prepared. Would you  
please accompany me to the display room? Thank you.  
  
"Now, this is our Woodland model. It is a simple pine  
box with a natural stain; many of our customers want to  
avoid ostentation for religious reasons, and we at Levenson  
sympathize. It is an old and honorable tradition to treat  
all equally when they go to their final rest, and we know  
that excessive pride is a great sin. Unfortunately, we do  
know that we must not treat everyone the same, that there  
are those in need of individualized services. We at the  
Special Services department are prepared to assist you in  
any extremity.  
  
"Now, these are our classical models. The Evergreen,  
the Sequoia, and the Linden models are all examples of fine  
craftsmanship; each has its own virtues. The most salient  
of them is each has room for customization in ways that  
will keep your loved ones secure, and you also.  
  
"This, for example, is our Vanguard System, patented  
by our friends at Harris Engineering. As you see, it  
consists of a bladder held between the lining of the coffin  
and its top. When we prepare the coffin for its use, we  
fill the bladder with the highest quality holy water,  
blessed by Father Abernathy of the Our Lady of Perpetual  
Hope Church. You can easily imagine this system's use.  
Should the integrity of the lining be disturbed, the  
bladder will be punctured. This will cause its contents to  
suffuse the coffin, which should lead to a certain  
finality.  
  
"We are experienced in these matters; we can almost  
always tell when the Vanguard system is necessary. And, you  
should not bother yourself about any religious objections;  
this system has been endorsed by authoritative bodies of  
many religious faiths.  
  
"Now, these are diagrams of the Ripley Shield; I am  
afraid we cannot show you its construction. It is, well,  
delicate. Our colleagues at ChaseCo offer a seven-year  
warranty, which should be enough for nearly all purposes.  
  
"The Ripley Shield detects any form of motion within  
the coffin, and only that. Should something disturb the  
deceased, from within, the Shield's motion sensor  
activates. This causes various chemicals to mix in an  
exothermic reaction. The resulting temperature increase is  
guaranteed to render anything inside the coffin incapable  
of cohesion. You may be bothered that the body of your  
loved one will be harmed by this, but we are certain that  
the spirit of your loved one would approve.  
  
"Here is the Lewton Control, for those of our clients  
who fear a Caribbean influence upon the bodies of their  
loved ones. Licensed from Walthrop et Cie, it consists of  
various drug delivery systems that are guaranteed to render  
the most active will-deprived harmless.  
  
"No, sir, we do not use that word here; we consider  
the term 'zombie' vulgar.  
  
"Incidentally, for a small additional cost, we can  
add the Romero Fail-Safe. It leaves you doubly-secure,  
always a worthy goal in these trying times.  
  
"And, this is the Poe Protector, the masterpiece of  
RosenClay Associates. Under most circumstances, and in most  
places, death is the final journey. Sunnydale is one of the  
few places in the world to which one can get a return  
ticket. It only happens under special circumstances,  
supernal and ineffable ones, but it has been known to  
happen.  
  
"The Poe Protector consistes of a fuel-cell powered  
sensory system, tied to a small fan, an oxygen delivery  
system, subtle lighting, a transponder, and a cell-phone.  
Should the sensory system hear your loved one's  
heartbeat, it immediately activates the air supply, powers  
up the lights, turns on the fan, and signals us. Your loved  
one can use the cell phone to call us; we are on its speed  
dial.  
  
"We have a number of more specialized devices for  
similar situations, and we can build others at need. The  
Emerson-Giles Consulting Group has offices here and in  
England, and has unparalleled resources for solving even  
the hardest end-of-life problem.  
  
"We cannot guarantee a successful resolution of every  
case we handle, but we will refund 150% of the contract  
price should any problem occur. Also, our security firm,  
Summers, Summers, and Osbourne, stands ready to ensure that  
any problem is of short duration. They have never failed.  
  
"We hope you find our services useful. I'm afraid  
that we cannot allow you to take our catalog away from  
these premises: trade secrets, you know. But, you can come  
in any time and peruse it, and we offer 24-hour emergency  
service. Have you any questions?"  
  
---  
  
Incidentally, the title of this story comes from an old  
nursery rhyme:  
  
A Tisket, A Tasket  
A Sunnydale Casket  
If you stay out late at night  
They'll dump you in the trash pit. 


End file.
